The Problem
For a time, he was the man in your life. You ran into his arms when he came home every night and he twirled you around. He told you funny stories before you went to sleep. He taught you how to ride a bike, dive into the pool, prune a tomato plant and name the constellations. Sure, you and Dad have had your differences (you can remember a few too many tears and slammed doors) but still the relationship you share with your father is one that you'll forever cherish. But now, the focus is on another man in your life. And on planning your wedding. You're busy picking the caterer, checking out a salsa band with your fiancé, going to a dress fitting appointment with Mom. And Dad is busy -- writing checks for deposits. He may feel like the odd one out. He's dealing with the mixed emotions of his darling daughter becoming a bride, he's not sure of his role in the whole wedding planning thing and he's wondering -- how much is all of this going to cost?
How to Make Him a Major Player
Spend Time Together: Go out of your way to make time for Dad. You're probably spending a lot of time with Mom these days --
power planning meetings and wedding-related appointments -- and for Mom, that may be fun. But Dad may not like hanging out while you try on gowns. Make some time for him that is not wedding related, but just a chance for you to be together. Let him know that you appreciate him and you value your relationship, and his role in your life at the moment is more than just the guy footing the bill. Do things together that Dad likes. Take him to the new Woody Allen movie because he's a big fan. Go to a hockey game. Eat at the Chinese restaurant you went to as a kid. In fact, doing things that you loved to do together when you were small is a great way to connect with Dad. If you haven't sat down and really talked in a while, this is a nice time to re-aquaint yourself with the man who will be giving you away on wedding day.
Join Forces: Plan an activity for you, your dad and your fiancé. If your dad gets to know your special guy better, he will immediately feel more involved in your big day.
Talk The Talk: So maybe your dad isn't the type to talk about his feelings. You should still share yours. Tell him how much it means to you that he's helping you have the wedding of your dreams. Thank him profusely. And then thank him again. Let him know flat out that although you're very busy, he's still important to you. If you have trouble talking the talk, then write the note, leave the voice mail message, send the e-mail. Let him know that you really appreciate him and his support of your wedding.
Communicate: In fact, a running commentary on what's going on with the wedding planning can help Dad feel included. Kim, a bride in Los Angeles, e-mailed her dad a few times a week with wedding updates. It helped him feel like he was in the know.
Father Knows Best: Maybe Dad wants a bigger role in the planning process. Focus on his interests when consulting him. If he's into classical music, ask him to help you pick the string quartet for your ceremony. Invite him to the caterer with you for a tasting session. If he enjoys wine, let him choose the wine for the reception. Giving dad his very own job -- where you trust his instincts implicitly -- is a great way to make him feel part of things and help alleviate your planning load. Also, don't forget to mine dad's connections. One bride's dad had a friend who ran a limo company and he was able to get car service for guests going from the hotel to the wedding site at a great discount. Her dad was proud of brokering the deal.
Stay Out Of Trouble: Avoid wedding planning hot buttons by respecting Dad's wishes. If he must have a certain business colleague make the guest list, accommodate him. And don't make the wedding budget a battlezone. Melissa, a bride who will be married near Boston, has a dad who is strictly enforcing her wedding budget. After several heated arguments about the cost of her dress, and some all-out debates about why she needs a pricey photographer and special hand-made paper for her invitations, she backed off. She realized that she wasn't going to win. She decided to dip into her own savings to pay for her dream gown and the invitations she loved, and in other areas, to stay within budget. Now, both Melissa and her father are happy.
A Little Something Special: Dad: It's nice to buy or make your dad a meaningful gift during the pre-wedding craziness. One bride made a framed collage of photographs of her and her father through the years and presented it to him on wedding day morning. It was a weepy moment for both dad and daughter.
Don't Let Traditon Put a Wedge Between You: Traditionally, the bride's parents pay for the wedding and in many cases Dad spearheads the check-writing for the event. But today, Dad does not always foot the wedding bill. Mom may be equally responsible for the financing, couple's pay for the wedding themselves, or the groom's parents pitch in. Despite how the financing is done, it's still essential to make your dad feel included.
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