Let’s continue our examination of the communication tools and techniques that can help you successfully engage in the Conversations. This time, we’ll look at "I" Messages and Paranoid Fantasies. Don’t worry, it’s not as crazy as it sounds!
"I" Messages
"I" Messages work with Active Listening as non-judgmental ways to communicate one’s feelings more effectively and honestly than "You" Messages. Here are some examples of judgmental "You" Messages:
"You are a jerk!" "How can you be so dense?" "I know you mean well but you really screwed up this time." 
An "I" Message restructures the statement to describe what the speaker is feeling and how the behavior of the other person affects that feeling.
See if you can relate to this scenario: In a conversation between two couples, one man makes a joke about the clothes his girlfriend is wearing. When they get out of earshot of the other couple, the girlfriend turns to him and says, "You are such a jerk! You really insulted me back there!"
The boyfriend might respond, "You take things so personally, you just don’t have a sense of humor." And the argument takes off from there.
Using "I" Messages, the woman could say:
"I feel really embarrassed and angry when you make fun of my clothes in public because it makes me feel like you don't respect me."
With the "I" Message, she has changed the nature of the communication from a "you" judgment, to a personal statement about how she is feeling. This format will decrease the intensity of most arguments and create more opportunities to achieve resolution. The listener may still feel defensive but, instead of feeling attacked or categorized, he/she can respond from the perspective of dealing with the consequences of their actions instead of defending him/herself from the "attack" of a "You" Message.
Another way to describe the difference is that a "You" Message describes the listener as the problem while the "I" Message describes the problem that the speaker has as a result of the behavior of the listener. The problem of the speaker is real for the speaker. However, if the speaker casts out a judgment about the listener, the listener now has his own problem to deal with as well dealing with his interpretation and reaction to the speaker’s problem. With two people each dealing with two problems, it’s easier for communication to get confused and accelerate into more and greater problems.
The anatomy of an "I" Message:

• "I feel…" (The emotion the speaker is feeling)
• "When you…" (describing the action that caused the feeling)
• "Because…" (describing the history of nature behind the feelings)

Some people may feel that this is a complex way to communicate, but the improvement in overall communication is well worth the effort. Here is a story about a couple who came to me to mediate a dispute they had in their marriage:
One of the elements that contributed to their conflicts was the defensive nature of their communication which included "You" Messages and the inevitable escalation into arguments and fits. I taught the couple how to use "I" Messages and asked them to practice using them with each other.
They returned two weeks later for some follow-up work. I asked how things were going and was told that they felt a bit awkward at first breaking the normal flow of their conversation by stopping and reframing their statements into "I" Messages. However, when one was making an effort to communicate on that level, the other was able to perceive that the intention was genuine and respectful. Instead of getting defensive, they each were able to transition into a true listening mode and were handling their problems more constructively as a result. But the real surprise came when after a week of this practice, they suddenly realized that their four-year-old daughter was comfortable using "I" Messages to communicate her needs to them.
As I listened to the story, I felt an intense emotional wave flow through my body. This was the most exquisite and succinct example I had ever heard about how powerfully, yet invisibly, our children are affected and indoctrinated by merely listening and observing the way that we treat each other as adults.
One of the nice things about "I" Messages is that a speaker can use them at any time with anybody, the listeners do not need to be previously educated about the practice. If a person has had long term habit of using "You" Messages and makes an effort to eliminate them and use "I" Messages instead, she or he will eventually notice an overall difference in behavioral responses.
Paranoid Fantasies
The Paranoid fantasy might be considered a cousin of the "I" message. As a communication tool, it helps the speaker bring up subjects, which may feel unsafe, difficult or embarrassing to discuss. This technique, and Constructive Self-Criticism (which we'll examine next time), came from Bond Wright, a Reichian therapist from West Los Angeles. Bond defines paranoia as a state of heightened awareness. With this awareness, we become aware that someone’s behavior has changed, that his or her attitude towards us is different than normal. This can be determined by changes in body language, a reduction or avoidance of eye contact, an apparent reluctance to enter into intimate conversation, a change of habits that seems to result in less time being spent together. We may not specifically know why it is different but our mind starts to create possible scenarios to rationalize our perceptions. Those of us who may not feel comfortable revealing our concerns may find the Paranoid Fantasy useful. For best use, there needs to be a prior discussion and agreement to use a brief set of rules:
1. The interchange will begin as request: "I have a Paranoid Fantasy, may I share it with you?"
2. The other person has two choices: "Yes, I can listen to you now." Or "Now is not a good time, let’s sit down together at __o’clock and you can tell me then."
3. By agreeing to listen, the listener also agrees not to interrupt and not to judge the nature, meaning or origin of the fantasy.
4. The listener also agrees to find or validate as much truth as is possible in the concern of the speaker.
For example:
Bob: "Tracy, I have a Paranoid Fantasy, may I express it?"
Tracy: "Yes."
Bob: "I saw you talking and laughing with John yesterday. When you and I talked later in the day, it felt as though you had little patience for me. My paranoid fantasy is that you really like John and you’re getting tired of being with me and you might leave me for him."
Tracy: "I remember having a good talk with John yesterday. While I can assure you that I am not leaving you for John, you and I do have an unresolved issue that has been bothering me. We have not finished planning our trip. I realize that you tend to leave things until the last minute while it is my nature to plan things out in advance. It is very unsettling for me to be this close to leaving without having all our arrangements completed. I can understand, since things have been tense between us, how you might be concerned if it looks like I’m having a better time with someone else instead of you. However, can we take this opportunity to discuss and finalize these decisions so that I can relax and enjoy being with you?"
Without using listening skills, Tracy might have responded to Bob by saying. "Don’t be silly, I’m not interested in John. You’re just jealous." That kind of statement implies that there is no validity to Bob’s feelings. By saying "I can understand, since things have been tense between us, how you might feel concerned if it looks like I’m having better time with someone else instead of you." Tracy acknowledges Bob’s feelings, which makes him feel better and makes it safer to enter into deeper dialogue on the subject.

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