Constructive Criticism and Constructive Self-Criticism
The next step from an ‘I’ Message is the Constructive Criticism, a sincere communication intended to educate and advance one’s cause or concerns. It is not used for venting or judging. Since many people have a hard time hearing critical comments about their behavior, you need to choose your words carefully.
Try this formula for expressing concerns: “When you do (observed action or behavior) I feel (emotional reaction). I want you to (desired action) because (purpose) and (cause the purpose will advance).” For example: “When you make fun of my clothes, especially in public, I feel embarrassed and angry. Before you make a joke about me, I want you think about whether or not it will embarrass me. I want to enjoy our relationship and if you can censor the kind of humor that embarrasses me, we won't have as many destructive fights.”
Constructive Self-Criticisms, when properly used, provide the opportunity for each of us to take responsibility for our actions and the consequences of our actions. The point is not to put yourself down but to assess how your behavior might have had an impact that was different than you intended.
In the example we used in our previous entry, the man’s intention appeared to be to bring some levity into the conversation, but the result of his joke was that his girlfriend was embarrassed. It may be that he truly did not intend to embarrass his girlfriend. He might try to tell his girlfriend that she is wrong to feel the way she does, that since he was innocent of the intent to hurt her, she should just change the way she feels. Many people use this approach and it never works. It may appear to work if the recipient accommodates by squelching her feelings but an impact has been made. One consequence is that the woman now knows that her boyfriend is able to cause her hurt or embarrassment without feeling any responsibility for his actions. On some level or another, there will be a repercussion.
Constructive Self-Criticism provides an opportunity for the man to acknowledge and take responsibility for the fact that his joke had a different impact that he had intended. The structure of a Self-Criticism is as follows: “When I do (Action), I cause (Effect of Action upon others). From now on, I will do (improved Action) because (desired results).”
“I now realize that my joke made you feel embarrassed. From now on, I will stop before I make a joke about you to consider how it will affect your feelings, because I would much rather spend our time pleasurably than fighting with you.”
If he truly learns something about the impact and consequences of the kinds of jokes he tells, and changes his behavior accordingly, we could consider that this particular incident warrants forgiveness. However, if the behavior continues, he and/or his partner may want to explore further.
According to Dr. John Lee, a Dallas psychologist, a statement, joke or sarcasm that causes embarrassment or pain is often a symptom of buried anger. Lee specializes in helping adult children of alcoholics learn to recognize and handle their anger. An adult child of an alcoholic himself, Lee’s work indicates that children who grew up in an environment in which they were not safe to express themselves become so expert at hiding their own feelings, that they often do not recognize them when they surface as sarcasm or other forms of verbal sabotage. A partner in such a relationship may feel responsible for inciting this kind of behavior when, in reality, he or she is a symbolic target for unresolved feelings that originated years earlier. Constructive Self-Criticism provides an opportunity for people who exhibit these behaviors to start acknowledging the consequences of the ways that they express themselves.
Conscious, Non-Judgmental Communication
Conscious, Non-Judgmental Communication (CNJC) is what happens when all of the skills outlined above are used consistently. In a CNJC environment, people do not feel judged by others, they are not put on the defensive by ‘You’ statements, and they feel free to express themselves honestly and openly. In such an environment, there is no expression of sexism, racism, ageism or other forms of bigotry which serve to divide and alienate people from each other. In this kind of community, ideas flourish and creativity is unlimited. This is one of the goals of this series, for you and your mate to create the kind of community in which each of you feels safe to be yourself and express yourself to each other.
Joan Levinson is a mediator, a change and conflict management consultant and a trainer in conscious, non-judgmental communication. Ms. Levinson writes: “How we communicate with ourselves is exactly how we communicate with others. Our methods of communication extend across verbal, non-verbal and listening behaviors. If we are willing to be aware and to beware of our communication behaviors, to be conscious, our relationships and inter-personal interactions can shift dramatically. This dramatic shift most always results in our treating ourselves and others with dignity and respect, and being individually accountable to ourselves and others.”
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