You’re buried under stacks of clippings, contracts, and magazines, while he’s channel surfing on the couch. Does this scene sound a little too familiar? You get it, he’s not going to care about every little wedding detail, but you were sort of hoping he’d take an interest in at least one by now.
“The wedding is a rite of passage, and that’s the biggest challenge for guys to get. You must help him understand what he’s responsible for,” explains Michael Arnot, founder of GroomGroove.com and author of Don't Screw Up Your Bride's Wedding: A Groom’s Guide to Surviving the Most Important Day of Your Wife's Life. So how do you do that? Here are five ideas:
Loop Him in From Day One
Don’t just ask him to call and confirm the deposit or date with the caterer -- let him in on the fun stuff too. If you want him to take pride in the final product, let him see it through with you from start to finish. He won’t mind weighing in on linen patterns or lighting styles as much as you’d think. Introduce him to the big picture and the steps needed to achieve it. Set goals together and be up front about how you’ll meet them. “Make sure he has full access to the budgeting tools you're using,” suggests Arnot. “He [could have] some great cost-cutting ideas you may not have considered.”
Avoid Overloading Him With Information
Asking him to come along with you to meet the designer is okay, but expecting him to then help you debate the difference between Tiffany blue and robin’s egg blue is quite another. He’ll likely feel overwhelmed with options, and his response won’t be genuine. Ask yourself which answers you need the most. "The key is to moderate the flow of information going his way,” says Arnot. “Get his opinion on different venues or menus, but don't bombard his inbox.” Also, limit your options to three choices per detail.
Plan a Double-Duty Date
Will he want to spend this Sunday afternoon tasting 20 different cake flavors? Not if he was tasting hors d’oeuvres yesterday! Here’s the trick: To avoid having tastings feel like a chore, make a date out of it. If your venue has a restaurant on the property, make reservations -- or at least grab a drink somewhere nice nearby when you’re done.
Lay Down Some Ground Rules
"From a guy's perspective, the biggest no-no is when your fiancee morphs into someone other than the fun-loving woman you signed up to marry,” admits Arnot. “That could mean obsessing over having a 'perfect' wedding, or allowing wedding planning to dominate every single conversation.” This doesn’t mean you have to avoid the topic altogether. (Phew!) You just need to set some boundaries. Enforce cutoff times for wedding talk and isolate certain days for planning powwows.
Request Ownership, Not Just Opinions
Worried that asking him to weigh in on all the little things will annoy you both? Why not just hand over one of your big tasks? You don’t have to give up your say on picking the centerpieces, but you can suggest that he handle things like securing a band or your marriage licenses, negotiating guest travel and transportation costs, or booking the honeymoon. “My wife and I decided that I would plan the entire honeymoon but keep the details secret from her,” Arnot says. “She loved it. Your fiance will enjoy planning a wedding that isn’t cookie-cutter if you allow him to be creative [too].”
Jul 09, 2009
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