It may take some strategizing to get your future in-laws in your corner. And it's a big deal, considering that a harmonious relationship with them can have an effect on your relationship with your spouse-to-be. Some marriages derail as a result of extreme friction with the in-laws. So here are some steps to take toward making sure that you all live as one big, happy, extended family. You might be pleasantly surprised to find your own life enriched by a positive relationship with your in-laws. After all, these are the people who raised your partner-to-be and helped make him/her the person he/she is today. So how bad can they be?
E is for Effort. The first rule of in-law schmoozing is put in the extra effort. This relationship is not going to be automatic, and your in-laws are not necessarily going to put gobs of effort into winning you over (although some do). Going above-and-beyond is sure to earn you brownie points. Take the grocery bags out of the car; better yet, unpack them. Help with clearing the table, and then do the dishes -- grooms especially will look good here. And grooms, bringing flowers to your mother-in-law-to-be on any occasion can't hurt. Her favorite peonies will be even more impressive. In any possible in-law situation, think "extra effort" and you're covered. This is a good tactic to begin as soon as you feel they might end up as your in-laws. Don't wait until the engagement is announced to be on your best behavior… and get on their good side.
What's in a Name? Speaking of respect, call your future in-laws by Mr. and Mrs. Their Last Name, or whatever their titles are, until they ask you to do otherwise. And when introducing them to others use their full names. Even if they have OK'd you calling them by their first names, don't assume that they will want your friends to do the same. After the wedding, have an honest chat about what they want you to call them and what you feel comfortable calling them. Mom and Dad doesn't work for every in-law, and many people reserve that title for their own parents only. It's common to use first names when addressing in-laws… but only after they've asked you to be that familiar.
The Pre-engagement Meeting. Grooms, take note of this one: before getting engaged, sit down with your father-in-law-to-be, old-fashioned style, to tell him of your plans to marry his daughter. If this sounds a tad too traditional for you, take the more modern and egalitarian approach: include your mother-in-law-to-be and your bride-to-be at this meeting, if the two of you have mutually planned to become engaged as many couples do today. The pre-engagement meeting shows your future in-laws that you respect them enough to brief them on your plans and seek their blessing.
Happy Birthday, Dear In-law. Implement operation birthday card… and anniversary card, and cards for any other holiday your future in-laws care about. Find out the special dates covertly, so your in-laws will be surprised by your missives.
The Personals. Find out what your in-laws care about and like to do. Does he love 50s jazz? Is she a devoted gardener? Do they bowl every week? These are very helpful for conversation fodder, and provide inspiration for gift-giving as well. Do you share a hobby with the future in-laws? Find out their favorite wine, and bring a bottle when invited to dinner or for the weekend. Learn about who they are; ask for their opinions. Brides, you can ask your mother-in-law-to-be's opinions on various choices you're making in planning your wedding. It will help make her feel included in what's going on.
Perfectly Polite. Follow the rules of simple etiquette and you'll be a big hit. Do all of those things your own mom taught you to do. Please and thank you go a long way when it comes to in-laws. Thank them for anything they do for you. Verbal thanks are great after dinners out. But written thank yous are better after a stay at their house or a special gift. Grooms can score big points by opening doors for their mother-in-laws-to-be. Give up your seat when someone older enters the room. Use proper table manners. And don't be stingy with the compliments.
All in the Family. When in their home, act like a real family member, not an honored guest. Clear the table, clean the kitchen, pick up after yourself, run errands, walk the dog, wash the car, make your bed. Anything short of scrubbing the toilet will work wonders. And if, heaven forbid, you're politely asked to scrub the toilet… do it.
Bedfellows. On the subject of beds: don't expect to share quarters in your future in-laws' home until you are married, even if you and your partner live together. Respect their rules and their values.
Not in the Family. You're one of the family when setting the table, but during a family squabble, stay out of it. You truly are not a member of your partner's blood family, so don't take sides. Don't participate in a spat between your in-laws, and don't include them in an argument between you and your partner. Be sure not to call attention to your partner's shortcomings in the presence of your in-laws. Remember, they didn't change your diapers, OK?
Faith of our Fathers. Unless there is a serious reason not to, attend their place of worship when invited, whether or not you practice their faith (or any other). Your mere presence will demonstrate that you respect their faith. Take a second step, and learn more about their faith if you do not share it, especially if you will be married in the tradition of their religion.
Love to Love You. Show your future in-laws how much you love their darling baby. Tell them how wonderful he/she is to you and how you can't wait to share your life with him/her. Give them confidence in your love for their offspring.
Keep it Up. So now your future in-laws love you. After the wedding, don't slack off. By the way, a weekly call to them couldn't hurt.
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