When the bride, groom, or both have been married before, working through the usual wedding-planning process can lead to etiquette roadblocks. Couples who are planning a second wedding have to consider things that first-timers tend not to have on their radar. Here are some of the most commonly posed questions surrounding second weddings, and how to properly address them:
Q: Should an ex-spouse be notified?
A: Yes, they should. If a man or woman is engaged again, it's common courtesy to pick up the phone and let the ex know as soon as possible. Better the news come from you than secondhand. Doing so is particularly important when there are children involved. It's generally not a good idea to tell your ex and your kids at the same time. Chances are you have a much better relationship with your children, and it’s better to break the news to them individually. Older children will likely handle the news better, but either way, the bride or groom should tell them privately in their own special way.
Q: Can a bride wear white again? And can her father walk her down the aisle?
A: Of course! The wedding day is supposed to be about what the bride and groom want, and that only. There are no set rules as to what a bride, at any age, should wear as she journeys down the aisle, and the same goes for who she takes those steps with. If she wants to wear a white dress or ask her father to escort her, she's well within her rights, and these days, with more and more traditional wedding etiquette rules becoming ancient history, doing so is far more commonly accepted.
Q: If the bride or groom has children from another relationship should they be involved in the planning process?
A: Remarriage often means the start of a new family structure within one that already exists. This can be a difficult (and often unwelcome) challenge for a child or young adult. Involving them in the planning process and final decisions will serve two purposes: They'll be able to warm up to the situation over time, versus dealing with it abruptly around the wedding day. They'll also have a chance to speak up about aspects of the ceremony or reception that might make them feel uncomfortable. If a child doesn't show interest in helping to plan the wedding, hold off for a little while, then try to revisit the idea. Their immediate rejection of the union can be a common reaction, but in many cases it will fade over time.
Q: Is it wrong for the bride or groom to enlist the financial help of a parent?
A: Couples who are remarrying are usually older, and therefore more financially independent. This means that they're far less likely to need their parents to provide financial support for the wedding. That said, parents tend to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when their child is getting married and they often want to help out in some way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with accepting their offerings.
Q: Is it considered improper etiquette to set up a registry for a second wedding? And what if the first wedding wasn't so long ago?
A: No, not at all. Wedding gifts are given as a congratulatory gesture. Every new marriage represents the fresh start of a new life together -- it’s a time to celebrate. Guests will want to share the new bride and groom's joy by offering something for them to take with them into this new life. Setting up a registry allows friends and family a chance to give the couple something they’ll truly appreciate. Even if a prior marriage for one or both was more recent, a newly engaged couple should never feel guilt over setting up another registry.
-- Charli Penn
Jul 21, 2009
See More: Remarriage , Etiquette