Through the ages, money has been connected with power and control. Most of us underestimate the impact that our upbringing and understanding of traditional roles has on our thoughts about money. Discussing money forces us to examine our views about the connection between money and power in a relationship. There are no pat answers on what to do if you and your partner have different ideas about how to handle your money, but it is important to communicate about your feelings. The balance of the relationship -- rather than the balance sheet -- is what is vital to the success of a marriage. The key for all couples is to resist outside pressures and expectations, and find out what works for them.
Print out two copies of the questionnaire, sit down with your partner, and each of you take it. Then compare your responses, paying attention to how many As, Bs, Cs and Ds you have so that you can see the areas where you need to focus. And remember, the goal is not that you and your partner agree on everything, but that each partner feels valued, heard, understood and appreciated.
- I am uncomfortable talking about issues related to money with my partner.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I view any money as "ours" instead of "yours" and "mine".
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I trust my partner's ability to make sound financial decisions.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I feel that my value in the relationship is tied to how much money I earn.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - If my partner earns less than me or has no income, my partner shouldn't have an equal say in financial decisions.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I would be happy to move to another city if my partner was presented with a great career opportunity, even if the move might not be advantageous to me.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I believe responsibilities, such as household and childcare tasks, need to be balanced despite how much each of us earns.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - My partner and I have specific financial and lifestyle goals and it is important to me that we achieve them.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I believe that any savings or debt either of us brings to the marriage should be shared.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - My partner and I should encourage each other's growth and career development regardless of the amount of money those career choices bring in.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - If my partner wanted to take time off work to attend school or pursue other interests, I am comfortable being financially responsible for the household.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - After we marry or after we have children, one of use should stop working or work part time.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - My partner and I have a shared vision about what we should pay for in raising our children, for example, their education, or their first car.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I am fine with the idea of being in a relationship where the woman earns more money than the man.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I would like to be in charge of our financial chores, including keeping our records and paying bills.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I am a saver and intend to set savings goals with my partner when we are married.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I am a spender and feel comfortable living in debt.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I want a prenuptial agreement.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I believe I should have "my own money" to do with what I choose, or at least a portion of our income that I can spend as I see fit.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I believe investments and major purchases need to be discussed prior to making them.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I believe my partner and I should make joint financial decisions regarding such things as savings, household expenses, expenditures over a certain amount, and charitable contributions.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I want to have joint checking and savings accounts.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I think money matters are private and should stay within the couple.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - No matter what financial problems my partner and I encounter, I would not expect our parents to assist us.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I believe we should help family members who are experiencing financial troubles, even if this poses a hardship to us.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree. - I believe we should earmark a portion of our income for charity or our religion.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
  | Dr. Dale Atkins is a psychologist, writer (co-author of From the Heart) and frequent media expert specializing in couple and family relationships. She has two grown sons, lives in Connecticut with her husband and dog, and has a private practice in New York City. |