Q: My fiancé and I are sharing the expenses for our upcoming wedding, but whenever I attempt to discuss any plans or ideas, he becomes stressed out. As a result, I have stopped talking with him about things, and have assumed all the plans myself. I am never asked how things are progressing, never asked if I need help with expenses, never asked if I'm happy with the way things are going. However, when I ask for his share of the expenses, he accuses me of not carrying my load, or of needing things that are unnecessary.

My fiancé and I live in different states, so there is no way he can know how much time and expense I've put into my plans so far. Because of his attitude, my stress and anger have gotten the better of me, and I finally told him to just forget about helping with the wedding expenses or plans at all. Now I'm stuck paying the rest of the costs, and he won't be helping on this all-important occasion. Why is he acting like this?

A: Unfortunately, you seem to be in a situation that has careened out of control. There are any number of reasons why your fiancé is behaving in this fashion: Perhaps he is uncomfortable with the idea of the wedding itself; the cost may frighten him, or be beyond his means. It is impossible to truly know, or to fully plan a wedding with someone, when there appears to be so little calm, reasoned discussion. It's important when planning such an important event to set aside time for discussion.

Many couples come to blows over expenses, and I wonder if you decided to split the expenses down the middle. Also remember that sharing expenses is not the same as making plans or decisions. It may well have been that you each had different expectations from the beginning, and that is why there is such dissension now. Whatever the cause for your eventual anger, you are now facing the situation angry, resentful and alone. Not a great way to go forward. All I can suggest is that from now on you call, email or write each other with all of the plans, remain calm, and differentiate between financial and emotional decisions. Nothing, however, can proceed profitably and progressively until you have a full and measured discussion about expectations. Only then you can move ahead toward a happy wedding.

Dr. Dale Atkins is a professional psychologist and frequent media expert specializing in couple and family relationships. Dr. Dale is also an author with five books to her credit: Sisters; Families and Their Hearing Impaired Children; From the Heart (co-author); I'm OK, You're My Parents; and the most recently published, Wedding Sanity Savers (co-author). Currently living in Connecticut with her husband and dog, Dr. Dale has two grown sons and a private practice in New York City.