Perhaps it was the topic of your first big fight: religion.
You were raised This-ist, but along the way developed a Not Sure-ist view of things. Your partner adopted That-ism at 16 and observes it devoutly. Or maybe it's the other way around: you're a lifelong The Other-ist, and your true love is adamantly No-ist.
Whatever your personal conviction, if it's different than your partner's, the issue has probably already reared its ugly head. It isn't likely to go away. We've got some suggestions on how to reach common ground with your partner without abandoning the core beliefs that define you as a person.
Search Your Soul
If you're agnostic, you probably haven't even thought about your soul in a long time, much less searched it. Maybe you're not sure you have one. Or maybe you're an atheist and are quite sure you don't. Whatever the case, this is the time to contemplate your personal convictions and decide how important it is to you to continue to adhere to them.
If you are someone who has actively developed your spiritual life or who has consciously rejected having one, odds are that you will need to try to reach some kind of compromise with your future spouse with regard to spiritual matters. If, however, you are someone who simply hasn't decided yet, or who has come to question your current beliefs, this may be a terrific opportunity to explore this dimension of yourself.
Do Your Homework
Find out about your partner's faith. Talk to your betrothed and find out as much as you can about his or her beliefs. Then do some homework. Find out what that faith is all about. You might even consider taking a religious class (at a religious institution or an area college) to find out more. Keep in mind that your partner's personal faith might not adhere point by point to the doctrine of the institution. When in doubt, ask him or her to clarify.
Disputing or rejecting your partner's faith without really knowing about it is rather unfair (and kind of foolish). Your future spouse can probably accept a partner who is a non-believer, but isn't likely to be thrilled to have one who is ignorant and judgmental. Get the facts before you decide.
Check It Out In Person
If your betrothed attends worship services or a religious class of some kind, ask to go along. Depending on the religion, you can join in the elements of the service as much or as little as you wish. If there is something you don't want to do, don't know how to do, or don't understand, quietly opt out. Ask for more information later. Seize the opportunity to speak with other worshipers and the celebrant, leader or teacher. Odds are they'll be eager to answer your questions and can direct you to additional resources about the faith. Remember, you're on a research mission, not participating in a debate. You can ask challenging questions, but you aren't likely to learn much if you go into the process looking for a fight.
Take An Authentic Position
The time will come when you will have to take a position. If you're lucky, somewhere in this exploration process you will have come to know exactly what is right for you. Of course, it isn't always that easy. Your future spouse's influence, or your own family's religious views may impact you as you evaluate your position. And there's no disputing that modern society is far less accepting and supportive of metaphysical interests and beliefs than in past centuries. Try to set all that aside. If you are soon to be married, one would hope you are far past letting your parents or popular opinion dictate who you are. And letting your future spouse tell you what to be is not a real solution.
Your partner should ask only that your position be authentic. Virtually no one who has a genuine personal faith or conviction is interested in having others pretend to believe. You're not doing your future spouse any favors by faking it.
If your partner is hoping you'll take his or her faith, and you're not going to -- at least not any time soon -- be honest and say so. Don't attack the faith; rather, explain, point by point, the tenets that you are not able to accept. Avoid the temptation or invitation to endlessly debate the merits of the tenets themselves if the conflict is going to damage your relationship.
This need not be a permanent position, but one that will allow you both to make some decisions about how a faith, your individual faiths, or your rejection of faith will affect your wedding ceremony and your life beyond.
Negotiate
Odds are all this religious discussion comes about because you or your partner are interested in incorporating religious elements into your wedding celebration. And then there's the whole matter of children and how they will be raised. If the position you've taken is different that your partner's, strive for compromise.
In many religious traditions, a wedding ceremony can incorporate elements of other faiths and cultures. You can opt to include elements from both your faiths in relatively equal amounts, or balance between religious and non-religious elements.
With regard to making a commitment about how to raise your children, again, try to reach a compromise. And then recognize that the burden for getting things "half your way" will fall on you. For example: if you agree to let your Catholic partner take your children to Mass every week as long as they are also exposed to other faiths, and/or to non-religious points of view, the burden for teaching them about non-Catholic world views will probably be yours.
Don't Pick Fights
Once you and your future spouse have made these decisions, abide by them, and be kind. Don't let your wedding event, or the raising of your children, become a battleground. Stand by your agreement, and play fair.
If the inclination to reinvestigate your convictions arises in the years to come, pursue it. Both of you should reserve the right to continue your spiritual or intellectual quest and to grow in knowledge and understanding. In the future, you and your partner may find yourself growing more unified on current points of difference... or you may remain on opposite sides of the faith fence. Agree to disagree, and don't bicker or quibble. Respect your partner's right to a personal faith or conviction other than your own; recognize that your spouse will be healthier, happier, and more complete person by exercising that right.
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