 Dr. Dale Atkins understands your wedding woes and has the perfect sanity-saving solutions for emotional issues, family questions, and fears about the engagement, wedding planning, and future.
 | I need help! One of my good friends from college recently married a man that has beaten her in front of some of my other friends. At the time of the incident, he not only put her in the hospital, but he also caused great injury to another person that was there. He was later released from jail. My friend did not press charges and is still married to him and living with him. Needless to say, this has caused great concern on my part for my friend, but intense anger and bitterness towards her husband. I have to admit, I'm also very sad and angry at my friend for letting herself be in this marriage. I have talked to her several times and she contends that he did not mean to hurt her and has never hit her at any other time (However, all my friends that live near her strongly dispute this.) I really want her to come to my wedding, but I cannot justify inviting him because I am concerned about the safety of my guests and my anger towards him. How should I handle inviting just her and not him? Should I invite her at all? I'm afraid that he would get mad at her because he is not invited to my wedding, and I worry I'm punishing her for the situation that she is in. What should I do? |  |  | You are dealing with an extremely difficult issue and one that is pervasive in our culture. Domestic violence is about power and control. You conjecture that your friend's husband may become angry if you invite her alone. That is a real possibility. Another real possibility is that he may become abusive and hurt your friend when they get home from the wedding. Another alternative is that if they do not attend, he may become abusive. There is no way that you can control what your friend's husband will do. You cannot know what will "tick" him off and cause him to abuse his wife. I am sympathetic with your situation and understand why you are deeply concerned for your friend. In my opinion, I do not encourage you to follow your inclination to invite your friend alone. Either invite them both, or do not invite them, but whatever you do, do it as a couple. If you do not invite them, I suggest you talk privately with your friend and tell her why. You can be honest with her, explaining your fear for her safety and your concern for her. Many people in domestic violence situations do not realize (even when their friends tell them) that they are actually in these situations. Understand, however, that often, when faced with their friends' observations, they still do not see it. And, if and when they do know, they often do not see any available options. You can tell her that you are here to support her and to help keep her safe when she is ready. | | 
Dr. Dale Atkins is a professional psychologist and frequent media expert specializing in couple and family relationships. Dr. Dale is also an author with five books to her credit: Sisters; Families and Their Hearing Impaired Children; From the Heart (co-author); I'm OK, You're My Parents; and the most recently published, Wedding Sanity Savers (co-author). Currently living in Connecticut with her husband and dog, Dr. Dale has two grown sons and a private practice in New York City. | |
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