 Dr. Dale Atkins understands your wedding woes and has the perfect sanity-saving solutions for emotional issues, family questions, and fears about the engagement, wedding planning, and future.
 | I just got engaged, and I've started thinking about the kind of wedding I'd like to have. However, there is a bit of a snag: My parents were divorced three years ago, after 36 years of marriage, and there has been a great deal of animosity involved. There was another woman, and my father walked out, leaving my mother to fend for herself and to assume many of his debts. My fiancé feels strongly that my father should be involved, no matter what he has done, because he is still my father. I feel the same way, although having him and his new, young wife at the wedding will upset my mother and my siblings terribly. I don't want my day to be ruined. To make matters worse, my father's new wife doesn't like us to be in contact with him, so there is still more tension to deal with. I feel that my father doesn't deserve to walk me down the aisle. How do I deal with this mess? |  |  | Unfortunately, your "bit of a snag" is more and more common these days, and you are trying -- honorably -- to be respectful of both your parents. Understand that it will not be easy for either you or your parents, or for many others attending. Keep realistic expectations as to what you will be able to accomplish. The damage done by the divorce is not likely to be repaired by your wedding, or even by a noble gesture. As far as "ruining your day," it is possible that your day may be marred, but it does not have to be ruined. The way to minimize the distress is to acknowledge each of the separate issues and to address them individually. You and your fiancé should sit and talk with your family members (including your mother and siblings) and explain what you see as the potential problem areas, but also stress that you welcome their input toward a workable solution. You can tell them that your wish is to have your father in attendance and that you know you cannot have him there without his new wife. Your desire is to minimize contact among your mother, siblings, and your father, but that you want a joyous event, and you feel your father's attendance adds to that. You should also sit with your father and his wife and explain your desire to have a civil wedding. Work out particulars as you go along. The most important thing is that you get an agreement that everyone in attendance appreciate the value of your wedding and of family, so that you and your fiancé can begin your new life together with as much love surrounding you as is possible. | |  Dr. Dale Atkins is a professional psychologist and frequent media expert specializing in couple and family relationships. Dr. Dale is also an author with five books to her credit: Sisters; Families and Their Hearing Impaired Children; From the Heart (co-author); I'm OK, You're My Parents; and the most recently published, Wedding Sanity Savers (co-author). Currently living in Connecticut with her husband and dog, Dr. Dale has two grown sons and a private practice in New York City. | |