Sanity Savers: Honoring Absent Loved Ones

We feel the loss of loved ones most when weddings and other milestone events occur. You may have thought that you were finished grieving, but then confront overwhelming sadness at what should be a joyous time. You want to talk to your mom, and she is not there, or your father cannot walk you down the aisle. Even if your stepparent or in-laws are caring and sensitive, you may still feel profound loss.
Intensified feelings of grief for a loved one during wedding planning are normal, and there are many reasons as to why they emerge. Weddings are a family time, which makes the absence of a loved one all the more glaring. Wedding planning can be stressful, and we are without the loved one to anchor us. Also, not all memories of the person who died are positive. A wedding -- a celebration of your relationship with your partner -- can remind you what was missing in the relationship with the person who is absent.
Finally, weddings are one of life's major rites of passage, and tend to be highly idealized. When a loved one is absent, you are not able to have the wedding of your dreams. Which invitations would they have liked? Which veil would they prefer? You wanted to plan everything with them, and now they are gone. This is a loss.
But although weddings make us think of those who are no longer with us, they are also an opportunity to recall with joy the gifts we got from our loved ones. How are we like them, what do we recall of them? Your wedding is exactly the right time to remember the missing, and acknowledge the role they have played in the future you are building.
Speak Out
Don't be afraid to talk about the person you are missing. You may feel that you shouldn't mention an absent father for fear of hurting the stepfather you love. However, your wedding is a natural time to be thinking of those you love and it may help you to discuss your feelings. Spending time with someone who was close to your loved one -- an aunt or uncle, perhaps -- can help you reach out to your memory of your loved one. You may want to hear stories about your loved one's wedding, and feel a sense of closeness through the memories of others.
You can also ask a friend or relative to mention your loved one - the traits you share, the traits they admired in your fiancé -- in a toast at the wedding itself. Telling stories may help you to feel their presence, making you feel closer to them by keeping their memory alive at such a joyous time.
Ways To Remember
Your loved one may be absent, but they are with you in spirit on your wedding day and would surely want you to be happy. There is a fine line between honoring your loved one and making grief a main focus of what should be a joyous day. Include your missing loved one in your wedding, but only if it will be helpful to you. Each of us is different and will have different levels of comfort. While setting an empty place at the head table may work for one bride, it may be too jarring for another. Having a large photo in the reception hall of the groom and his deceased dad on a fishing trip may be just right for one family, and too difficult for another. Determine what is healthy by thinking up various alternatives and "playing them out" in your mind. Discuss your ideas with your fiancé and your family, and just "sit with" the image for a while. Perhaps one of the following suggestions will work for you.

• Take a quiet moment before the ceremony starts to remember your loved one and reaffirm your feelings for them.
  
  
• Write a letter to the person you are missing, expressing your feelings about their absence. Describe what you have learned from them, and ask their blessing on your future.
  
  
• In lieu of favors, make a donation to a charity in your loved one's name on behalf of your guests.
  
  
• Ask that your guests observe a moment of silence for your loved one just before the ceremony begins, or include a prayer for your loved one just before saying your vows.
  
  
• Include your loved one's favorite poem or quote as a reading for your ceremony.
  
  
• Wear a piece of jewelry or item of clothing from your loved one.
  
  
• Have the band play the loved one's favorite song during the reception.
  
  
• Include a memory of the loved one in your toast at the reception.
  
  
• Place their wedding photo on your guest book table.
  
  
• Use something of theirs as your "something borrowed." It might be your mother's toasting flutes, your father's Bible or your grandfather's tallis.
  
  
• Continue a tradition that your loved one started at their wedding.
  
  
• Include a centerpiece at the shower, the rehearsal dinner, or the wedding itself, with a candle for each person who has passed away.