Sometimes during courtship, differences on major issues, such as religion, are swept aside by the romantic rush of feelings. But after a few months or years of marriage, the differences re-emerge and may even cause resentments. Our sanity saver, Dr. Dale Atkins, has put together the following quiz and discussion questions to help you and your partner honestly examine your feelings on religion and the role it will play in your marriage.
Print out two copies of the questionnaire, sit down with your partner, and each of you take it. Pay attention to how many As, Bs and Cs you have so that you can see the areas where you need to focus. Then compare your responses and use them, along with our discussion guide, as a basis for open conversation about your future together. And remember, the goal is not that you and your partner agree on everything, but that each partner feels valued, heard, understood and appreciated. Keep in mind, too, that as we go through life with out partner, we change. Sometimes what seemed important to us regarding religious affiliation or spiritual practice changes depending on our life experience. By talking about these issues early on, you have a better chance of allowing further discussion, down the road.
YOUR MARRIAGE: TALKING ABOUT FAITH
- I believe in God, or the presence of a spiritual being.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
- My religion or religious beliefs are an integral part of my life.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
- Attending religious services regularly is important to me.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
- Religious holidays, such as Christmas, Hanukkah or Ramadan, are important to me.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
- I believe religion should be practiced as couple or a family, rather than as an individual.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
- Religion, and religious education, should play an important part in the upbringing of our children, should we decide to have any.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
- I believe in making financial contributions to support my religion or place of worship.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
- I feel I will disappoint my family or friends if I don't continue to practice my religion in the way I do now.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
Now, compare your answers and view our discussion guide, or, if you are an interfaith couple, continue on with the quiz.
For Interfaith CouplesIf you are entering into an interfaith union, there are many other questions that need to be addressed. For too many couples, there is an unspoken agreement to minimize their connection to their religious heritages in order to avoid facing their differences. The problem with this approach is that differences often show up around life cycle rituals, such as religious holidays, the birth of children, illnesses or death.
- I feel that my partner understands my religion, and religious beliefs.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
- It is important to me that my partner attends services with me regularly.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
- It is important to me that my partner celebrates major holidays with me.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
- My parents are concerned about religious differences between my partner and me.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
- I feel that my partner's parents are concerned about the religious differences between my partner and me.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
- It is important to me that my partner and I raise our children, should we decide to have any, in my faith.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
- It is important to me that my partner converts to my religion.
a. Strongly agree.
b. Somewhat agree.
c. Not sure.
d. Disagree.
Now, compare your answers, and view our discussion guide.
  Dr. Dale Atkins is a psychologist, writer (co-author of From the Heart) and frequent media expert specializing in couple and family relationships. She has two grown sons, lives in Connecticut with her husband and dog, and has a private practice in New York City. |