Question
I'm in love with an ivory wedding gown, but my mother insists that it's breaking tradition not to wear white. I'm afraid to even mention that my fiance's parents have offered to help pay for the wedding, or that I don't want to part with my bridal bouquet. Is it bad luck/etiquette for me to break with tradition?
Answer
Bending tradition -- when done with consideration for others -- is fine. Today's brides and grooms bend tradition to suit their backgrounds, preferences and tastes. When done thoughtfully, and with respect for those whom these decisions impact, there is nothing wrong with breaking tradition. The magic of a wedding is based less on the details and the strict adherence to tradition than on the delight of the occasion and the radiance of the bride and the groom.
The tradition of the white bridal gown began in 1840 when Queen Victoria appeared in her white wedding gown and orange blossoms, forever changing the Western world's thinking about what brides wore to the altar. Before then, most brides donned their best dress of any color. Gradually, white came to symbolize purity. Today, white is regarded as the symbolic color of weddings. With wedding attire, there are many ways to blend old traditions with new.
Talk to your mother. What traditions does she truly have her heart set on? Where is she -- and you -- willing to make compromises? Take the time to explain to her what you have your heart set on as well. Communication and compromise will allow you to meet your mother half way between her dreams and those of you and your fiance.
As for her other concerns, you may want to share with her some of the ways that wedding traditions have evolved. When it comes to finances for example, today's two-career couples tend to take a different attitude toward the division of expenses and who foots the bills. It is becoming more and more common for the groom and his parents to get more involved in the planning, organizing, and finances of a wedding than ever before. Review the list of the "traditional" expenses for the groom's family. They may be very willing to work from that suggested list (which includes things like the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon expenses).
Ask your florist to create a second, simpler bouquet for you to toss. This will leave your wedding bouquet intact. Using a second bouquet is what I'd categorize as a "new tradition." New traditions run the gamut: opposite-sex honor attendants, highly creative colored invitations, mothers escorting brides down the aisle, open seating plans (or un-assigned seating) at receptions, and serving desserts other than wedding cake.
In truth, the ideal wedding is a celebration where the interests of all concerned -- you, your family, your wedding party, and your guests -- are given utmost care and attention. Forgo a tradition if you think that tradition threatens to cause a family rift. By the same token, you may want to include a tradition that means a great deal to someone important to you. All that is needed for the "perfect" wedding is the bride and groom's love for each other, the confidence to make well-thought-out decisions, and a careful effort to ensure that everyone involved is treated with courtesy.
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