Fashion Etiquette. There's a mismatched phrase. Fashion refers to what's trendy. Etiquette to what's traditional. Can the two coexist? Of course. What binds them? Good manners. A trait that never goes out of style.
It all begins with the bride. This is her day. That simple statement composes the backbone of all wedding etiquette. What are the bride's wishes? What will make her happy? Conversely, the bride surrounds herself with closest family and friends. She wants to please them, as well. On this day of days, everyone should smile.
Let's start with the mothers. Brides must remember this is a special day for them too. "The bride's mother should take the lead, set the tone," instructed Mary Mitchell, syndicated columnist "Miss Demeanor," and the author of five books on manners. "If she chooses a beaded blue gown, the mother of the groom should choose something else of equal dressiness. If the bride likes both mothers in one color, different styles and shades will keep them from looking like carbon copies."
Do their dresses need to be the same length? No question it looks nicer -- that day, and in photographs -- but it is not a must. "In a perfect world," added Mitchell, "The mother of the bride would want the mother of the groom to be happy also, and they would come to a decision together." Sounds good.
The bottom line becomes: "Do not outdo." A wedding is no place for competition. Both mothers should look-and feel-beautiful, elegant, and completely comfortable.
Lifestyle and background dictate many traditions and decisions. Consequently, Claudia Hanlin, owner of Claudia Hanlin's Wedding Library in Manhattan, advised: "The bride must talk to her mother-in-law, as well as her mother. And she must listen to what they both have to say!" Do they want their arms covered? Their legs? If you want them both in pea green, and one looks awful in pea green, consider a softer hue. Maybe celery green will work, pleasing everyone. Of course, no law says both mothers need to be dipped in one color.
On the other hand, the wedding ceremony is a visual production, and you want it to look good. Your catch-phrase as you plan? "Appropriate for the occasion." What works in a grand hotel ballroom may not work in a garden. What works in a wedding party with two bridesmaids may not work in a wedding party with ten.
Speaking of bridesmaids, no other part of the wedding requires good manners more. On both sides. Rule number one: Wear what the bride says. Period. It is not about you. No one will notice your arms. No one will notice your hips. Everyone will notice a miserable scowl. If the bride decrees her bridesmaids will wear the same dress in the same color, it is rude for you not to be flexible.
Of course, there is a flipside. The bride needs to be sensitive to her bridesmaids. Today, the most fashionable brides often choose an array of styles or hues of a dress, or ballskirt and sweater set, for their attendants. Either gives bridesmaids options to personalize their look and look their best. Again, ask: "What is appropriate?"
Be sensitive to finances, along with figure problems. "Offer to supplement the cost to those who can not afford it," remarked Hanlin. "Quietly and discreetly." Or surprise your bridesmaids with a wonderful accessory. What a lovely way to say, "thank you" for helping to make the day perfect.
The same rule of thumb goes for the groom. If you would like your groomsmen in black tie, and several do not own tuxedos, consider paying the rental fee. Likewise, if your wedding is formal, and you know some out-of-town guests do not own tuxedos, provide information about local rentals.
While talking about black tie, the inevitable question becomes whether it is proper to write it on the invitation. Many say if a wedding is after a certain time, and the wording is written in a certain manner, everyone understands to dress in formal attire. Yet, we no longer live in a world where everyone goes to cotillion together. Once more, be sensitive. If you will save even one friend from embarrassment, put it on. That's what's proper.
Without doubt, when the invitation says "Black Tie," it is rude for guests to ignore your request. It is ruder still, for you to admonish them if they do not comply, so remeber to be flexible.
Regarding guests, there is definitely fashion etiquette for them too. "I do not think anything goes," said Mary Mitchell. "Black is okay today, so is white, but I do not think a lot of cleavage or bare skin is appropriate. To varying degrees, a wedding is usually a religious event; therefore, one should dress in keeping with the dignity of the occasion." She's absolutely right. If your dress is bare, wear a jacket or stole during the ceremony, take it off for the reception. Dressy evening pants are fine, a pantsuit is just too tailored.
One final time: be sensitive. Be flexible. Be appropriate. Remember your manners. Watchwords of wedding etiquette for the bride, her mother, her mother-in-law, her groom, and her guests. Wrap them around tradition and personal style for a day that is perfectly, tastefully, elegantly, and most importantly, uniquely yours.
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