Brides and grooms spend hours tirelessly researching etiquette so as to treat you, the guest, in the most respectful way possible. Likewise, most guests go to great lengths to be thoughtful wedding participants. However, hard and fast rules concerning guest etiquette can be elusive. So, before you attend that next wedding, make sure that you have a solid grasp on what is, and maybe more importantly, what isn't expected of you.
Please, Don't Wear White
She slid into the slat backed wooden chair, her skirt rustling slightly. Beaded purse in hand, she whispered an introduction. "I'm a friend of theirs from college," she breathed, as she folded her sweater in her lap. "You know, I've never been to a one of these things before."
No kidding.
She was all that: Elegant, poised, and beautifully dressed. But there was one small problem…
Her dressy, off-white gown, complete with chiffon overlay, was causing quite a stir.
Yes, it is a new millennium. Yes, wedding etiquette has undergone many transformations since the days of old. Yes, it is a free country. Yes, there will always be the uncommon exception to the rule. But no, it's not a good idea to wear white to someone else's wedding. Even if the bride doesn't mind you wearing that gorgeous ghost of a georgette gown, her mother, grandmother, great-aunt Cecil, and sister-in-law might have a thing or two to say. Don't put yourself in the predicament of wearing the most talked about dress at the wedding.
Although white has made a big play in women's formalwear, don't let any well-meaning salesperson convince you it is an appropriate choice for a wedding guest. Keep cool in pastels, sparkle in jewel tones, or prove, once again, that little black dress was a very good investment. Save the white frock for a dressy summer evening when no vows are being exchanged (except, of course, your own).
Big News

Holly and Mitchell were euphorically honing the last details of their well-planned, imminent celebration when they received some sobering news. Mitchell's sister, Anne-Marie, a member of the bridal party, decided the couple's wedding was the perfect setting to finally tell parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles her big news: She's gay. Although both Holly and Mitchell respected his sister's decision to "come out," they didn't want their wedding to become the forum for a family discussion. "We had invested so much time and money, and it was our wedding. It just didn't seem fair," said Holly. In the end, Mitchell told his sister she was welcome to share her news at the day-after brunch, but not during the wedding or reception -- a request Anne-Marie respected.
With families assembled from far and wide, guests are all too often tempted to spring the latest and/or greatest in big news on everybody, all at once. It's understandable to look forward to a gratuitous gathering in the hopes that personal announcements can be quickly and evenly distributed. But understandable is a far cry from acceptable. However happy the news may be, leave the, "I'm pregnant!" "I'm gay!" "I'm engaged!" "I'm dropping out of medical school!" and "I won the lotto!" announcements at home on the Big Day. The bride and groom have waited a lifetime, and worked long and hard to create the wedding of their dreams. There will be plenty to celebrate as is.
If you find yourself with pressing news you want to make known, run it by the bride and groom, with the full intent of respecting their wishes. You may be able to schedule an "après wedding" get together with family and friends a day or two after the celebration, or circulate your news early enough before the event that it won't steal the spotlight. If neither planning nor postponing your announcement is a possibility, and you have the blessing of both bride and groom, take important family members aside and tell them quietly and discreetly. Under no circumstances should you herald your news into a microphone at the reception, or find yourself the subject of a reception toast.
Better Late Than Never?

He drove around like a maniac looking for the chapel, got lost, and had to stop for directions. When he arrived at the site, the ceremony was well underway. Dashing up a side stairway, he found a vantage point from the choir room. He banged on the choir room window to let the bride know he made it in time…
For Dustin Hoffman in "The Graduate," arriving late to that particular wedding proved fortuitous, though somewhat disastrous. And that's with a Hollywood ending. Most of us come to weddings to witness the event, not steal the bride. And (hopefully) none of us wants to make a scene of arriving late.
Because life is not a dress rehearsal, it is not unusual for couples to delay ceremonies in the hopes tardy friends and family are just around the corner. But, don't count on it. When attending a wedding, plan ahead. Get maps, directions, and addresses organized the day before the event; that way, if you don't have a clue where you're going, you have a fighting chance of contacting someone who can help. Plan to arrive at the ceremony site a half hour early; sign the guest book, admire flower arrangements, and say hello to friends and family.
If, for whatever reason, forces of nature make you hopelessly late to a ceremony, find an usher and request to be seated at the earliest possible time. When the usher gives you the signal, find a seat in the back of the room as fast as you can. If no usher is available, as heartbreaking as it may be, you should wait outside until the ceremony concludes.
Rising Above It All

Two days before her wedding, Natalie got a frantic call. Her cousin, recently separated, was extremely anxious to know if his wife would be attending the wedding. When Natalie confirmed her anticipated attendance, she was met with silence on the other end of the line. "Well," said the cousin, "I may not be able to come." Eventually, the bride offered a solution: a guarantee that the couple would not sit in each other's sight lines.
Close call, right? Wrong. Two days before her wedding, Natalie should not have been re-arranging table settings with her caterer. She had other things on her mind.
As adults, we often insist that children learn to play together, encouraging them to work out difficulties and reach compromises on their own. Ironically, at weddings and other social occasions, it's sometimes the adults who need reminding.
A wedding is a time to celebrate the love and union of a couple, not a place to air grievances, worry about seating arrangements, get hung up on trite details, or involved in family squabbles. If you have a difficult relationship with someone you imagine will also be in attendance, make any seating requests known to the bride, groom, or attendants as far in advance as possible. In all likelihood, your request will be handled with sensitivity. However, bear in mind there may be complications that you are not aware of. If you are seated near an ex-spouse, or a person with whom you share animosity, be gracious, take the higher road, and rise above it all.

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