In response to your inquiries, WeddingChannel.com's etiquette expert Peggy Post has chosen to address this interesting and complex question.
Q: My fiancé and I want a small wedding, not only to reduce costs, but because we prefer a more intimate event. However, his mother is all but insisting that we invite every living relation she has. She claims that most of them will decline anyways because of traveling distance, but will be insulted if they don't receive an invitation. Should we risk inviting them and hope that they decline? And would it be rude to ask my future mother-in-law to pay for the additional invitations?
A: This problem needs to be discussed -- and soon -- with your future mother-in-law. Ideally, your fiancé is the one to do it, but he might want you to be there too. The size of the wedding is one of the first decisions that must be made and it can be one of the most difficult. Once your budget is established and you've decided on the type of wedding you'd like to have -- in your case small and intimate -- communicate to your fiancé's mom how many of her guests you can accommodate.
Reiterate to her that you both want a small wedding for personal and financial reasons. She should be able to understand your dilemma. If she sticks to her "they won't come because they live too far away" argument, ask her what would happen if several sets of relations decided to make the trip to your wedding. It's been known to happen - often. If you'd already booked a reception site that could accommodate only a small, set number of people you'd really be in a jam.
Perhaps the two of you will want to remind his mother that a wedding invitation includes a gift obligation even if the guest does not attend. You and your groom -- and his mother, Most likely -- would surely feel funny sending an invitation if it seems like a plea for a gift.
A better solution might be to send a wedding announcement to all of those being left off of the invitation list. Announcements are often sent when a wedding celebration is too small to accommodate a large number of relatives and friends, but couples and their families still wish to share the news of the marriage. An announcement carries no obligation for the recipient to send a gift; thus, many families send them rather than invitations if it's anticipated that the recipients won't attend. Ideally announcements are mailed the day after the wedding.
Another solution is for your fiancé's mother to have a separate reception to honor the two of you somewhere, either before or after your wedding. That could be a special occasion, possibly near where her "every living relation" lives, so they'd have an opportunity to meet you and celebrate. You all could have some wedding pictures to share if the party occurs after your wedding. You might even want to have a video of your wedding that could be continuously running in a side area, so anyone could wander over to look at it. A reception could be the perfect way to address her desire to include her relatives. It would also take care of the potential awkwardness of asking her to pitch in with funds for a larger wedding reception on your wedding day (a bigger one than you would want anyway). Don't be afraid to speak up, but do be prepared to listen with an open mind. You and your future mother-in-law might reach an easy agreement, or you both might end up making some compromises. Don't have these conversations alone. You and your fiancé should both be present and in agreement during these talks.
It is not acceptable to request that she pay for the added expense of either additional invitations or a printed wedding announcement. However, should she offer this as a solution, it is perfectly fine to accept.
See More: Invitations , Etiquette