You've gotten the phone call: you can barely understand your friend because she's so excited -- but you get the idea, she's engaged! And you couldn't be happier for her. Just think of all the parties ahead, she mentions, an engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party -- or maybe a Jack & Jill party, and of course the wedding itself! Now your mind is busy calculating what all of these gifts will cost you -- and the proper etiquette for gift giving at each event. How much should you spend? Do you have to buy one for each event? Can you get away with a generic brand? Can you team up with friends for a few? You have so many questions. But don't panic! We've got all the answers.
Do you have to bring a gift?
While there technically won't be present police standing at the door of the wedding, bringing a gift to at least the wedding is a great idea. Even something small let's the couple know that you're genuinely happy for them, and happy to be a part of this special day with them. Other parties are a different story. It is not required to bring a gift to an engagement party. Likewise, you don't need to bring something to the rehearsal dinner. However, if you're close to the couple and want to bring something, a bottle of wine or bouquet of fresh flowers is always a nice gesture.
If the bridal shower hostess asks you to bring a specific gift because it's a special theme party, you should go along with the plan. You can always give them a wedding gift that's more to your taste. Otherwise, it's generally a good idea to buy a separate gift for both the bridal shower and the wedding, especially if you're close friends with the bride. As for the bachelorette party, depending on the plan, you probably don't need to bring the bride a gift specifically. Instead, you can offer to buy her a drink or pay for her dinner while you're out.
Does the same apply if you're invited to multiple events?
Again, this greatly depends on your relationship to the bride and groom. If the bride has invited you to multiple events (her shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner and wedding), chances are, you're good friends. The only real events you need to worry about are the shower and the wedding. If you're on a budget, bring something small to the bridal shower, and send a nice wedding gift ahead of time. Remember, it's not a good idea to show up bearing gifts on the day of the wedding. Bottom line, gifts every step of the way aren't required, but something small to let the bride and groom know you're thinking of them is always appreciated.
How much should you spend?
The rule of thumb is that if you're not very close and you're not family, spending under $100 is acceptable. Most guests spend somewhere between $75-$100 on a wedding gift. If you plan to buy more than one gift, decide ahead of time how much you want to spend overall and how many gifts you are going to buy. Keep in mind that the most expensive gift should be the wedding gift and should be intended for both the bride and the groom.
Can you spend less on each gift since you have to give four different presents?
Yes, as long as the items are of good quality. You can take this idea in several unique directions, like picking a theme that would connect the gifts or giving the first three smaller gifts as clues to the fourth, bigger gift.
Can you get away with buying a generic brand?
Traditionally, bridal shower gifts were useful and practical, not elaborate and high priced. Homemade gifts are always appreciated and treasured -- so if you're crafty, now is the time to put it to good use. All of these things will help bring the cost down and keep the quality high. Here's a few more tips for the bridal shower:
- Theme-related and humorous gifts are okay.
- Risque bedroom gifts are okay -- as long as the bride is okay with them. If you're unsure, check with the maid of honor first.
- Money trees are more appropriate at wedding receptions, not at showers.
- Ask around to see if the bride has created a separate bridal shower registry. If she has, pick something from that list.
- Find out beforehand if it's a personal shower, where the gifts should be intended primarily for the bride to use, or a traditional shower, where the gifts can be something off the couple's main registry.
Group Gifts and Long Distance Gifts
Pitching in with other friends is a great way to buy one major gift for the bride and groom. It's also totally acceptable for a married couple to send one gift from both of them. You should always try to send a wedding gift ahead of time and keep in mind that it's not acceptable to bring a gift to the reception. Especially if you're attending an out-of-town wedding, don't bring the gift, it's just one extra thing to worry about. If you received an invitation to a wedding you can't attend, you generally still need to
send a gift.
A Final Note
As the invitations to the wedding events begin to arrive, remember, it's you the bride and groom are interested in, not the gifts you bear. Any token of your feelings will be appreciated, and one of the greatest gifts you can offer is simply showing up and being a well-behaved guest.
Find any couple's gift registry here.
Read more about wedding guest etiquette:
what are the biggest guest gifting mistakes?
How much should you spend on a shower gift?
See More: Guests , Parties , Engagements , Registry